A Letter to My Daughters, My Girlfriends and Every Woman Who
Has Ever Been Told That She is “Too Nice”
Ladies, let me tell you a story about the time I was nearly passed over for my dream job because certain people perceived that I was a kind person. In my early twenties, I wanted to be a lawyer and worked extremely hard to get there. I had great grades in law school and had interned at a large, national law firm two summers in a row with great success. When I ultimately applied for a permanent position there after law school, I got the job and couldn’t have been happier. On my first day as a law firm associate, my managing partner sat me down and said this to me: “You know, we almost didn’t hire you. A lot of guys thought that you were too kind to be a winner. But, I decided to give you a shot anyway because your work has always been impeccable and I think you like winning just as much as the next person.” Hmmmm. I will tell you what I would like to have won at the moment. I would have liked to have won the right to tell all the “you’re not a winner” partners that this type of thinking is garbage. In fact, I sort of did that eventually by winning the crap out of my cases. However, it would have felt great to say it.
These days, as a mom of two, I now see this kind of thinking hurting my daughters. People sometimes pick them last for teams because they think my sweet girls won’t be competitive. Other times, my girls will say hello to a more popular peer, get overtly ignored and feel like a loser for being friendly and open. In fact, even well-meaning adults have scolded them saying that they must “toughen up and get a thick skin” because life isn’t easy and you cannot be kind all the time. I am here to tell all the beloved girls in my life that this input is ridiculously wrong. There is only one thing you can do: ignore it, press on and be kind! Frankly, people who think consistent kindness means that you’re weak or unimportant just haven’t given it much thought. Kindness is an amazing tool and a game-changer but you can only be kind if you are very, very strong. In fact, being kind despite the stupid, evil, asinine crap life will throw at you will require you to be crazy strong. We’re talking Justin Bieber’s hair gel strong. We’re talking as immovable as Channing Tatum’s abs. We’re talking fact of life, get-over-it-because-I-ain’t-moving-Rosa-Parks-level steeliness. The good news is that you can do this. Here’s how I know.
First, we’ve got to get the foundations of this thing straight. God himself shows kindness to people. Way back in Genesis it says that God showed kindness to Joseph when he was in prison (e.g. Genesis 39:21). In fact, the Bible says that God shows undeserved kindness to everyone (1 Peter 5:10). For the record, this includes real jerks who don’t provoke natural kindess in anyone. If God decided that kindness was part of His plan for everyone, then you can be sure there is nothing weak about it. God is no joke. People crucified Him even though he was innocent and instead of getting mad or vengeful, He just sprang right back up and kept on living and doing His thing — saving and blessing people. When He says that the fruit or product of internalizing His spirit is “love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, [and] faithfulness” (Galatians 5:22), you can bank on the fact that being kind isn’t a small, insignificant, foolish endeavor. It is expanding your life to be as big as God wanted it. Go ahead, be THAT big. It will confuse some people and they’ll criticize you for it but do it anyway because it is brave and right and true.
On that note, always remember that being kind isn’t the easy way out of difficulty and it isn’t for cowards. When someone hurts you or makes you steaming mad, the natural, instinctive and human thing to do is to strike back and hit harder. In this way, the problems of the world escalate. You can see this phenomena everywhere: online rage on Facebook, the conduct exemplified by our nation’s political parties, or families totally demolished by ugly divorces that got out of hand. To refuse to do the natural, human thing in the face of severe pain is the harder road and the higher one because it requires so much empathy. You have to pause and remember that the person that just hurt you is God’s kid. You have to remember that God is not only your Father but their Father too. You have to remember that you are accountable to Him if you injure His kid and also that whatever is causing that person to inflict pain on you is His to fix. You have to refuse to avenge yourself and trust Him to dole out justice, mercy and healing as He sees fit. If it were easy to be kind, God would never have given so many examples in the Bible where people have to promise to do it (see, for example, Joshua 2:12: “Now then, please swear to me by the Lord that you will show kindness to my family, because I have shown kindness to you. Give me a sure sign.”). God only makes us promise when what we’re doing is hard (like staying married until death do us part, for instance) because He knows we’ll struggle and we’ll need a good reason to keep working at it when we want to quit.
Moreover, kindess is one of the most powerful tools on the planet. Look how many people used it to change the world! Martin Luther King wouldn’t have gotten nearly as far as he did if he was just yelling at people and telling them how bad they were. Instead, he insisted on peaceful protest and lived out the words “Let no man pull you so low as to hate him.” Martin Luther King Jr., A Knock at Midnight: Inspiration from the Great Sermons of Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr. That’s kindness in action and it helped win civil rights for millions of people! Also there is Ghandi, who similarly helped win independence for India by peaceful means and is quoted as saying, “Whenever you are confronted with an opponent, conquer him with love.” I also love the story of St. Francis of Assisi who was born the son of a wealthy merchant. In the year 1206, he was twenty-three and went on a pilgrimage to St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome. After he noticed the sharp contrast between the ornate beauty of the basilica and the ragged filth of the beggars sitting outside of it, he asked a beggar to exchange clothes with him and he spent the rest of the day begging. He later founded an entire religious order, gave up his worldly possessions and spent his life helping the poor and the leprous. http://www.yesmagazine.org/happiness/empathy-heroes-st-francis-john-howard-griffin-patricia-moore. We are still talking about him nearly one thousand years later because he chose extraordinary kindess as a way to change the world around him.
Then, there’s you. I see you girls and ladies. You bring meals to new mamas and sick friends and haul other people’s kids to lessons and games whenever you can just to ease someone else’s load. You remember people’s names. You don’t send a perfectly awesome but nasty response to an online bully and instead take a deep breath and keep moving. You ask the kid who sits by herself at recess to play or you utter the terrifying words, “I don’t want to talk badly about her. That isn’t right,” to a group of girls who are tearing the smelly kid at school to pieces. You pick up stray animals and get them somewhere safe. You give the job to the person who needs it very, very badly. You write the book or sing the song or tell the story of someone who doesn’t have a voice without your help. You are not doing unimportant work. You are knitting the pieces of our community together and creating safety and opportunity where there was none only moments before. Keep going. This world needs your kind of strong.
Kimberly says
Amen! Thank you for sharing your heart, and raising two beautiful, strong and incredibly kind young ladies. We are blessed to have all three of you in our family’s lives. I think this is my favorite post in your blog to date, it has truly blessed my heart more than words can express. I Love you Amy!
Amy Adams says
Awww Kimberly. Thank you so much. Love you guys too!
Charlotte Barnes says
My eyes are full, and my heart is bursting! Thank you! I love you, Amy. I don’t think I could be more proud of you.
Rebecca says
Yes Ma’am!! Thank you Amy! Your words have spoken to my head and my heart! I love being this kind of strong in life, it works for me and I thank you for bringing it to others attention. My whole life I have been told I am too nice and nice guys finish last. I haven’t tried to change it because I can’t, as for finishing last?????? Not once! Those beautiful girls of yours will conquer their hearts desires.
Chuck Barnes says
I, too, couldn’t be prouder of you. Distilled wisdom, beautifully expressed. Long ago, a man of God noted that “my strength is made perfect in weakness.” Only the strong can truly be kind. You’ve said it all….
Elizabeth Goedecke says
I love this. Well-said. Awesome blog.
Barb Anderson says
This was totally awesome. I am so glad someone finally said what I have been thinking for a very long time.
Amy Adams says
Thanks Barb! I’m so glad others can identify!
ANNA L STROW says
I just loved this and so needed this today. It was so beautifully written. I loved all the verses. I have often heard that I am to “nice” and this puts into words how I have felt. Great job!
Amy Adams says
Thanks Anna! You ARE nice and I’ve always thought you had a wonderful strength about you!
Steven says
I’m always telling my kids they need to toughen up to survive this ruthless world. Yet you nailed this topic spot on. Guess I’ll be changing my parenting strategy a bit.