In my six years as a professional organizer, I have seen a lot of useless junk inside people’s houses. I have bagged it and sorted it. I have discussed its utility and beauty or more accurately, lack thereof, with many a sentimental soul. I have lugged it to donation centers and had it picked up by the local veteran’s charity. At this point, I have a uniquely strong and complicated relationship with other people’s knicknacks because I have spent so much darn time moving them around! Often, as I examine these piles of discarded tchotchkes before I bag them, it becomes plain as day that certain things just don’t belong in our lives. They always end up as clutter and then as trash. Here is my plea, dear readers, to stop buying or giving these items to the ones you love. Their absence in anyone’s home is the true gift that keeps on giving!
To demonstrate this point, I paid a visit to a local Goodwill this week because I knew I would find these items. They are always there. Go to Goodwill at any point in the year and what you will see is a graveyard of excess, overly-sentimental purchasing power — an ode to the things we shun because they ultimately don’t serve us. Here we go:
#1 Dolls with Teardrop Eyes Who Are Clearly Going to Murder You In Your Sleep
These are even worse than those creepy Precious Moments dolls in that they are fake Precious Moments dolls so they don’t have have the trademark rosy cheeks to make us all feel better. Are they not looking up at us like they just got caught strangling kittens? They are the Bonnie and Clyde of the entire “terrifying china” genre of junk. Do not even think of spending money on stuff like this.
Look into this doll’s eyes and try just try to see anything but inky, empty rage. There is a reason she is wearing what are clearly para-military fatigues under her deceptive, cheery little sundress. She is a horror warrior waiting for the sun to go down.
If you do not put some change into this bell ringer’s kettle, he will knife you with his hidden shiv as soon as your back is turned. You know it. I know it. This cat doesn’t play.
#2 Tacky Animal Statuary (Especially Wolves and Cats)
Unless you live near the ocean AND have access to pricey art, it is your destiny to donate every dolphin-themed item you ever own. Trust me on this. There are more dolphins swimming on the shelves of thrift stores than there are currently occupying the seas. DO NOT go to the shore and buy a dolphin-themed frame, keychain or (irony!) snow globe. Just marvel at the dolphins in the ocean, go home and enjoy not dusting ceramic dolphins.
If you go to Australia, bring your friends a package of Tim Tam’s chocolate cookies. Do not bring them kangaroo-themed anything — especially if that kangaroo has a creepy, saggy pouch meant to be set eerily aglow with votive candles as if his crotch is on fire. The kangaroo in this picture is telling you everything you need to know about whether this is a good idea with his snarky, raised eyebrow.
Look, I get that the iconography of wolves is alluring to many men. They are fierce, tribal, sleek and cunning. The problem is, the minute you buy a man a wolf statue, you make his dwelling completely repulsive to women. She will walk in and think, “Where is the Dungeons and Dragons paraphernalia?” or “Are we actually in your parents’ basement and I just don’t know it?” If she is brave enough to, nonetheless, date this lover of things lupine, the wolf statue will be gone that very week. I guarantee it.
Mama wolf is rightly giving us all the appalled side eye. What kind of sick individual encases howling pups in a snow globe and calls it art? Eventually, she will shame you into donating this. Good for mama!
For every man with a wolf statue, there is a woman with one or more cat statues. Similarly, as soon as the owner of these forlorn cat ceramics finds a boyfriend, these items are history. Good rule of thumb: Shun cats in tuxedos like the sign of the apocalypse they are.
#3 Sinister-Looking Angels Who Watch Over Absolutely No One
I think actual angels are amazing! Goodwill angel statues? Not so much. For instance, not only is this Napoleon angel demanding that you give him something, he also strongly resembles Kathy Bates. I don’t know why I find this so creepy because I think Kathy Bates is fabulous but, somehow, I don’t want her asking me for a dollar while posing as a heavenly messenger in my home. If you buy this for someone, neither will they. Pure Goodwill-bound misery.
Angel Kathy Bates will have friends at Goodwill. You can be sure of that because naked cherub castoffs are everywhere. This is so because many people don’t like their celestial beings: (1) visible (2) naked (3) infantilized or (4) (in the case of our one, robed kneeling angel) glaring down at them like a sociopath who is about to serenade them while he cuts out their liver and eats it. Unless you know that your friend absolutely adores angels, do not assume that this type of thing is welcome in their home.
Friends, can we all agree that there is a theme here? Shall we just go ahead and acknowledge that fake animals and people (heavenly or otherwise) are not necessary fellow travelers on the road of life? They are dust collectors and shelf crowders. They freak us out and our eyes quickly tire of viewing them. Stop the insanity! A good life is found not in an abundance of ceramic treasures who look like animals or people, but in having more time to enjoy the real, flesh-and-blood beings we love. This is a better investment since people, weird and complicated as they are, never ever count as throwaways.
Chuck Barnes says
Wonderful fun! AND … I’ve never given any of these to anyone. ^|^ I promise!
OBrien Sisters Comedy says
I would like to title this one, Jesus tying his shoe.