Let’s head to the mountains children! We shall frolic in the snow thither and yon! Lo what joy the clean mountain air and pristine views shall bring! What unity of spirit will prevail as we swish down majestic mountain passes, creating memories that last a lifetime! Fetch your ski gear and some warm clothing and we will be off to commune with chilly mother nature forthwith!
(After approximately fourteen hours of packing)
To child number one: What do you mean your mittens are missing? Are you aware that good ski mittens cost approximately nine million dollars? You are going to have to wear your gloves from two years ago! Yes, I know they are too tight! You know what is not too tight? My wallet. It isn’t tight at all and closes very easily because there is no money in it. I spent all my money on your lost mittens so I will not tolerate any lip young lady!
To child number two: Yes I know that pink is “baby-ish” but you are wearing your sister’s hand-me-down ski pants anyway. If they are too loose then belt them! I do not want to hear it! Unless those pants are so loose that you must regularly dump snow from your underwear, then they are in the category of “just fine”. Just fine is good enough for Adams kids who are not allowed to expect royal living conditions do…you….hear…me?!!
To husband: The cooler is packed. The children have seventeen layers of clothing each. I have packed just enough for myself to downgrade the chances of frostbite from probable to mildly possible. Please let me walk to the car now and take a nap before I change my mind about the wisdom of this trip.
(After a trip back to the house for forgotten ski passes and a trip back to the kennel to drop off forgotten dog food.)
Ah vacation! Let’s reconnect! How is work? How is school? This is going to be so delightful! Sorry I was grumpy because we had to pack the whole house for a three day trip. I repent! What is fourteen hours of packing, really, when there is so much fun in store? How silly of me!
Skiing Day One/Run One: Here we are, my progeny, gliding down the slopes and taking in the beauty of Colorado’s fabled mountains. Behold the glory of God! Behold the ingenuity of he who first thought, “Let’s take two flat sticks, attach them to the most uncomfortable boots ever made, and hurl ourselves down snowy cliffs repeatedly! What a genius!” (Oh sweet Moses, I almost fell! Lean forward, knees together, back straight, poles out. No yakking. You cannot afford to break a hip, grandma.)
Why am I hearing requests for food? We have only done one run! No! We cannot go to Waffle Cabin or get hot chocolate. Skiing IS the fun we are having right now! Skiing IS the reward. I did not buy you a season pass and spend my life savings on ski gear so that you could have an alternative venue for the drinking of hot chocolate. I bought you a pass so that we could ski as one big, excited family. We are SKIING and we all love it very much! Those are the rules!
Skiing Day One/Run Five: Don’t cry. We’ll go to the warming hut! You cannot feel your thumb but you can feel all your other fingers, correct? Here! Take my mittens and I’ll wear yours. No problem. I’ll just perch your tiny mitten on any portion of my hand that is turning blue and all will be well! Where is your ankle rubbing on your boot? Both sides? Well surely one of these mountaintop rest stations sells moleskin or Bandaids and Neosporin! Let me check….oh good. Each bandaid strip is only $45 dollars and the Neosporin is $100. If I sell one of my kidneys once we are home, we should be able to pay off the Bandaid/Neosporin purchase by the end of the year. See, your terribly swollen ankle bone is as good as new. Hot chocolate anyone?
Skiing Day One/ Run Eight: Falling is part of the fun, you see! We laugh at the snow that just shot up our jacket! Yes we are tired and cold and our legs have gone on strike but snow is our friend! Do you see how much I love snow and how my boot is not digging into my calf like it is mining for gold in there? Lean forward, sweet girls and feel the wind in your faces! Yes, each inhaled snowflake is hitting my nasal membranes like a tiny dagger and causing a constant stream of mild pain but I am killing this run so let’s focus on the big picture! No? Your eyes are cold? Ok. I will get you off this mountain now (and thank you for wanting to get off this mountain because I am so cold and my face is littered with wind-welts but Dad really wants to keep skiing). Here is some Motrin for everyone who had too much fun! It is totally normal to require anti-inflammatory medication after a nice, relaxing day of vacation. Everything is fine. (Why do my hips hurt?)
Skiing Day Two/Hotel: You have to get up! It is, again, time to have more fun than you can possibly take! Put on your sweat/snow-soaked long underwear and suit up ladies. Jam your feet into the boots of despair as quickly as possible! Those boots were made for snowy mountain adventure and not for lounging in the hotel room while watching “I Love Lucy” reruns (geez Lucy is funny and this room is so warm and my shins feel like someone hit them repeatedly with a steel bat). Let’s make sandwiches so that Dad can wear a lunch-filled fanny pack on the slopes. How else can he fully embrace his #dadlife while silently horrifying his wife with his poor fashion choices? Let’s move!
Day Two/Run One: No you cannot go to the bathroom. It will take forty-five minutes to get your clothes and boots off and we are at the top of a mountain. Hold it! (Dear Lord, please relieve my relentless bladder spasms in the name of parental example. I ask for a miracle, or in the alternative, the spontaneous appearance of mountaintop Depends that I may not sin against my husband by asking for more than the planned, timed bathroom breaks. Amen.)
Day Two/Run Three: Let’s get waffles. We all need several waffles. Do hot waffles cure broken shins? (passes small child in ski school who is wailing his way down the slope screaming, “I want to go home! My face hurts.”) Me too kid. It is like you see into my soul.
Day Two/ Run Six: Oldest daughter, what do you mean you won’t ski off-trail with Dad unless I do it? Last time I did this I fell in a trough and couldn’t get out! (I am the same-sex parent. If I give up, she gives up….this sucks.) Off to the trees my loves! I see how you are both swishing between bumps as if you are half rabbit! Now watch me goooo! Yes I hit a tree and straddled it like Yogi Bear. Stop laughing. I am awkward but I am not a quitter! Do you see me not quitting?
On the way home: Well that was fun! No cell phones! Back to nature! We had a few mishaps but we conquered didn’t we? We survived the boots of death, frozen faces and fresh powder! We earned waffles! Let’s do it again as soon as we forget how much it hurt. Shockingly, we always do!
Elizabeth Goedecke says
We were in tears laughing!! This was a riot!! You’re hillarious, Amy, and a great storyteller!!
Chuck Barnes says
There are those of us who never strap two sticks on aching feet and propel ourselves down slopes that have major orthopaedic facilities at the bottom. After reading this, my wisdom is affirmed. But, truly glad you subjected yourselves to this exercise. By that I mean the exercise of family values, laughter and fun. Go Adams go!