I just got back from a seven day cruise to Alaska and Canada and, frankly, I found that cruising generates a lot of awkward problems. First, there is the weird choice one has to make surrounding whether to participate in the bonkers amount of onboard activities. One day you are on dry land thinking, “Is it reasonable to go to all the way Costco just to buy toilet paper?” and the next minute you are at sea thinking, “Is ‘Martini Mix with DJ Sasha‘ at 4:00 really for me?” It’s all very disorienting.
Then there are the tiny cabins and also the weird group delusion that we can all see whole cities in eight hours or less. Sorry! This is crazypants and every single person on the boat knows it! Really, however, the main source of awkwardness is the dining setup. Allow me, and my extra five pounds, to explain.
Most cruises have prepaid all-you-can-eat food plans. The cruise companies take this pro-gluttony stance a little too seriously. It is my current working theory that they try to prevent onboard conflict by feeding you into a coma. It’s as if someone in a conference room somewhere looked at the CEO and said, “Thousands of people can live in insanely close proximity to one another without murdering each other over jacuzzi access if you’ll just put giant amounts of spiced meat in their bellies. They will be too lethargic to riot!” This is precisely what they accomplish over the course of a week long cruise. As soon as you walk into the main dining hall, you quickly realize that the whole thing is set up to cause crazed, illogical eating patterns in order to distract from the fact that you are surrounded by thousands of feet of icy water on all sides with no viable means of escape. Each day features several rotating ethnic food buffets: Chinese, Indian, Greek, Italian. Then there are the everyday offerings. A pasta and pizza bar. A sandwich and salad kiosk. An ice cream stand. A fruit and granola buffet. A carving station. A cake and pie table. It as is if every wedding reception menu you ever ate had a baby together — a baby with diabetes, indigestion and heart disease from the very moment of birth. This weird food circus causes you to believe that a lunch of fried rice, pasta and enchiladas is totally appropriate. Also, an ice cream chaser is a “must do” since refusing free ice cream when it is offered is actually un-American. In other words, you cannot figure out what “lunch” even means anymore in terms of calories or appropriate servings. Many people on the cruise just resorted to “first lunch” and “second lunch” routine with a half hour chat break in between lunches to rest their esophagi (the plural of esophagus…who knew?). In addition, because dinnertime in the main dining room is decided for you ahead of time by the fancy maitre’d, a three course dinner often comes only an hour or two after your second lunch every day. Still, you smile and shovel in more chocolate mousse because you paid for it and you cannot waste those pennies!
All this institutionally sanctioned culinary mayhem has very awkward consequences. Judging from the percentage of indigestion, gas, constipation and diarrhea encountered by my own family during our vacation, I would say there is an 80% rate of gastrointestinal disturbance going on among the passengers during any given cruise. Moreover, it is as if the gift shops at the ports of call are in on all this little joke. Nearly everything they try to sell cruise-goers winks at the pain of bloated digestive systems. Travelers just know that the salespeople are secretly thinking, “Quit eating yourself silly you overgrown trash compactor. You can see Alaska without becoming the size of Alaska!” Here is the type of thing that was consistently offered at nearly every store we visited:
Do you see a theme here? Mmm Hmmm. They know we have problems. They also know that we will be using the public toilets…alot. Shopkeepers want to be clear that they expect us to buy some of their tacky wares just to make up for our shame. Message received Alaskan Gifts and Sundries! Now quit taunting me with your strangely accurate kitsch. Please don’t give me any more crap! Pun intended.
Lisa says
Hahahahaha. I have gone on 9 cruises and haven’t eaten the free ice cream. Not that I’m against it or lactose intolerant. Once, on a 10 day Regent Cruise, I didn’t have any dessert! I .guess I don’t sound very American. I enjoyed your photos of the cruise!
Charles Barnes says
I loved the cruise and everything about it … even the deliberate overeating that I enjoyed. We got to celebrate 60 years of marital love with the love of my life and three of our daughters and their families. It was perfect. Dad Barnes