“You had me at hello and then not feeling the need to make further small talk.” – Comedian Aparna Nancherla
Last week, I had an interesting exchange with a woman in a church bathroom. I came upon her as she was changing out of her dress clothes. Her pantyhose was lying in repose around her freckled ankles, her skirt tossed carelessly under the bank of sinks. Her casual blouse was pulled halfway down over her bosom and a half moon of happy, round, white tummy loudly announced her presence. “Oh sorry,” she told me as I emerged from the stall a little shocked to be so well-acquainted with her belly button, “We’re using this as a changing room because we have a picnic after this. I’m bringing the potato salad and I have to hurry so it won’t get hot!” A normal, calm person could have said many things in this situation. She might have said, “No problem,” washed her hands and left. She might have said, “I totally understand. Have fun at your picnic,” smiled and escaped with her sense of equanimity intact. The problem is, I am not a normal, calm person in these situations. I am the opposite of that. I am the worst small talker of all time and, therefore, the least likely person to confront a half-naked church-goer’s casual bathroom chatter with any degree of cool. These situations make me sweaty and awkward and terribly irrational because I am just so bad at them. As a result, I generally just start talking before I have considered what should be said. “Oh yes!,” I gushed to my half-dressed, potato-salad preserving friend. “Well sometimes you just have to do that! I applaud it! I fully support it. Well done.” She looked totally confused and a little awestruck at my inexplicable enthusiasm for her task. Unfortunately, I have seen that look before.
In the car on the way home, I went over the exchange again. What could I have even meant by this? Was I stating my unequivocal support for a woman’s right to use the bathroom in order to change her clothes? Was I telling her that I revere potato salad and feel it should be protected from spoilage even should it necessitate mild, semi-public nudity? Did I wish to declare my strong conviction that bathrooms are multi-purpose spaces and that no woman should have to do any explaining about her bathroom activities even when they involve spud refrigeration and simultaneous panty exposure? For the life of me I cannot tell you. I only know this. I wanted to be nice and accommodating and so I effusively praised her picnic plans and came out feeling like a real dork. This is how life works for people who have not mastered small talk.
When you are bad at small talk, you take the “awkward” with you wherever you go. Even a trip to the grocery store, a housewife’s mothership, can go very wrong. Months ago, I had the following exchange with the produce guy at the supermarket: Produce Guy: Do you need help finding anything? Me: Yes I am. Produce Guy: What? Me: I thought you said “Are you finding everything ok?” I am. Produce Guy: No…I said “do you need help”….whatever…..it’s alllllll good. He holds out his fist expecting me to fist bump across the purple onions. I high five his closed fist. When I go awkward, I go all the way. I am terribly good at this.
Consequently, if you have ever wondered why some people cannot get their casual chatter game together, I have answers for you. Here’s the deal straight from the mind of a person who has pondered this question. Bad small talkers generally live their lives up in their heads and not out in the world with the suave folks. So, when the world interrupts their silent, inward meditations, they are slightly surprised to be called upon to speak. Once it becomes clear that speaking will be necessary, most bad small talkers have two voices simultaneously streaming in their head. One voice is silently coaching them through the encounter. This voice chants things like: “Be nice,” “Be cool,” “Try to communicate what you need in a normal manner.” The other voice is trying to generate actual speech and hold a two-way conversation. The conversation always rushes ahead of the silent, life-coach voice inside the bad small talker. That is why their conversational partners often hear a stinky word potpourri instead of pleasant banter. Meanwhile, the inner life coach is always gesticulating wildly with alarming messages: “You should not have said that” or “Nope, that sounded weird” or “That is not what you meant smartypants….fix it.”
This tendency to vomit explanations and awkward phrases increases exponentially as the conversation goes downhill. For instance, I really botched a recent visit to Chik-Fil-A. I ordered two “kids chicken nugget” meals at the drive through. Inner Life Coach: “Now you need to clarify that you want only regular nuggets when you order yours because you don’t want to end up with a kids meal!” Me to the CFA Employee: “As for myself, I want only adult nuggets please.” Inner Life Coach: “Oh crap. You have made it sound like somehow you will only accept x-rated nuggets, Einstein. You’ll have to fix this at the payment window. Now these folks think you are a pervert.” Me sheepishly paying for the adult nuggets and kids’ meals: “What I meant to say was ‘thank you so much for my normal meal deal nuggets.'” Life Coach: “What the hell? Normal meal, deal nuggets? That was better than ‘adult nuggets’ but still totally weird! Drive away now! Don’t get us banned from Chik-Fil-A! What will we do without waffle fries?” And so it goes. There is very little to be done about this. Try as we might, bad small-talkers are born and not made in my humble opinion.
Recently, I was sitting on the sofa with my teenage daughter. She was telling me that her day had been rough and that she was feeling a little emotional. “I don’t know why, Mom,” she said, “but sometimes I just feel so….so….erotic.” Ummmm, what? She could feel my body tense as I gave her an incredulous look. “Wait no,” she flushed, “I mean, what is that word when you are just happy and sad all at once and you cannot get it together? Wait. Erratic! I feel erratic!” As we laughed together at how sometimes silly things just come out of your mouth, I looked down at her wide, well-intentioned, twinkling brown eyes. “That’s my girl, ” I thought, “You are in for a lifetime of laughs.” I worry about her, of course, but you must embrace what your genes gave you or spend a lifetime changing what the good Lord made. I choose to embrace it. And so, to my sweet daughter who sometimes feels erratic I say, “You’re welcome. Have fun with it. If you do, so will almost everyone else.”
Renée says
I just love you! Thank you for sharing your erotic life with all of us!
Charles Barnes says
My lifetime experience is that people who are not good at small talk are people who are really good at Big talk … about interesting ideas. People who are good at small talk lubricate the social world and I enjoy being around them . But if I want my brain to work I head for people who are not good at small talk. They are introverts, thinkers and wonderfully subtle.
They write write blogs that make me laugh, make me cry, make me think and reconsider. I’m really realy glad that they are in my life. And that’s not small talk.
ColorMeLocal says
Yes.
Jennifer Holliman says
I literally started laughing out loud at my desk and all my coworkers looked at me like I was crazy! Keep em’ coming. I can be quite awkward at small talk too.
charlotte Barnes says
That was wonderful, Amy! I just had several really thorough morning laughs! Deep down ones! Enough to get me through the whole day! Keep those voices going! You’re precious! (Oops! Can that be misread? My voice is a talking! ?)
charlotte Barnes says
My voices are talking! Awkward!
averyrichards says
hahaha I freaking love you
Leslie Branyon says
Laughed out loud because I ignore the heck out of the inner life coach voice all the time! Thank you Amy.